It is always so strange how things pan out. Yesterday I was giving a general update and encouraging myself to blog more regularly, and yesterday turned out to be quite the eventful day to start blogging again.
Yesterday I spoke to the auctioneer about the house beside the river, who told me that an offer had gone in exceeding mine, to which I responded by increasing my offer by nine thousand euro. Then the other buyer increased their offer by a further four thousand, at which stage I conceded, offering that if the sale falls through I will still be interested. I have felt gutted so many times this week that the word gutted is starting to lose its effect.
In similar news I had an inspector visit the school on Tuesday, who despite singing praises and encouraging me on my road to self evaluation and professional development, did not see fit to lift me out of probation as a teacher. I felt gutted, especially as I have never been as sure in my entire life that I am a great (not to mind competent) teacher. I don’t know whether it is part of some government initiative to lower the amount of permanent teaching staff, but nonetheless I felt the whole thing was very unfair.
Then, to top things off, the bf (the one I was cooking spagbol for yesterday) was being extra nice. He had offered to stay over at my place for once. We had a lovely dinner which I had raced down to aldi for. I had baked a lovely apple strudel that cost a fortune (and what do you know I ended up burning it) and icecream for desert. I felt content that even after a rough week I was going to be a great little housewife. While we were preparing the dinner and eating and stuff, things seemed to be going lovely. We talked about all the usual things. He empathised with me about the house and we even spent a good while looking at other potential homes.
Then out of nowhere he asked me about having a threesome with a guy that has recently moved to the city. The guy I have to say is relatively good looking. But he is also five years junior to the Bf, four years junior to me. At young guy might be relatively experienced, perhaps he might enjoy meeting two (ever so slightly) older guys. I would never have thought about it, to be honest, when I was that age. Anyway this post is not about that other guy…
I had watched Desperate Housewives this week, where there are a few scenes about the ‘mask’ that Brie puts on infront of men. It is a cheesy half smile that she uses to hide her emotions. I found my self doing the same thing yesterday. I couldnt help but think that all the Bf’s being nice to me was just a ploy to soften me up to meet this other guy. I said I might, and then asked him if he would prefer to meet this other guy on his own. He said maybe he would. I guess he could see me getting a bit upset so he quickly added that he still thinks I’m sexy.
It was all I could think about for the rest of the evening, an evening supposed to be for the two of us. We both checked out other guys on gaydar and grindr and were talking about who was hot and whatever. I even went to text another guy but to be honest I wasn’t really interested. I asked Bf for sure if he really wanted to go through with meeting this other guy and he said he did.
We decided to do something with our evening so we walked into town, but It was very quiet. We looked at some buildings on the way, talking our time, so it was fairly late by the time we got into town. It was raining and almost all the shops were closed. The BF was after asking this guy to go for tea but the guy didn’t want to go. We went into Costa and I had an expensive hazelnut latte. It was so thick and the frothy milk was like paint. However It was so thinck it was actually quite unpleasant, and the nutty flavour wasnt as nice as others I have had before. The bf had tea. I could see he was distressed by how long it was taking the other guy to respond to his messages and how idle we both seemed sitting here in this most cosmopolitian place in our city, waiting for something to happen.
In the end we just walked home. It started to rain lightly and we didnt say much, just kept on walking in the mist. I went to bed with my mask still on but on the inside I was gutted. We still spooned but I couldnt stop my mind going over and over the events of the evening. It took me ages to fall asleep. I guess it must have been the espresso in the latte. In the morning, he got up early, as he always does when he stays at mine, and left as fast as he could. I almost let the mask slip as I slammed the door behind him on his way out, before he had a chance to say, let alone kiss me, goodbye.
Yesterday I was just saying how happy I seem to be in this relationship. I think its quite funny how I said I had become happy in the mundane. In this my first long term relationship, In my first long term commitment to have lasted longer than a year (Despite a few slip ups but I’m not talking about them today either) After being so long together I was shocked! Especially when I am usually the one trying to push the boat out when it comes to sex. And I am sure this sound so obvious to people reading this blog but I cant help wondering.. Am I not enough?